Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My breasts were aching with rage.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
