nut hugger
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
worst night to have a conscience
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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