why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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