I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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