just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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