WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
