yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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