I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
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