Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
