did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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