Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize