Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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