i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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