Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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