it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
