The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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