Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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