The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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