Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We left an ass print on the piano.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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