i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
