I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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