I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
