Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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