yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
