I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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