Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
