meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
