at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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