in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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