Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
