Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
