I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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