Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
