My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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