I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
