grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
She said her name was "party"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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