A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
