I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
