Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
