Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
