I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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