The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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