So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My cat gives me a boner
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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