I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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