my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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