I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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