Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
