He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
