She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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