you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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