walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
