I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
