if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
