I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
then he tried to convert me to islam
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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