i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
